That Nagging Inner Critic

New Books - Photo by Ellie Morris

“A non-writing writer is a monster courting insanity.”

 ̶  Franz Kafka

[Letter to Max Brod, July 5, 1922]

Lately, I’ve been a gloomy soul. More than a little gloomy, in fact. There’s just something about long summer days and weeks that stretch into months that makes being away from the routine of university almost unbearable.

Summer should be about relaxing and abandoning all cares to the wind. Well, I’ve tried. If I spent my days doing nothing but reading in the garden, going for walks, and visiting friends, my inner critic would still hunt me down and demand to know what I’m doing with my life. There’s always that little voice in the back of my mind: “You should be writing. You’re wasting time.”

Apparently, I can only be happy when I’m working. Even as a child I forced myself to draw something new every single day, when making art was my favourite pastime and future career ambition. Perhaps pushing myself into a state of burnout was what eventually caused me to pack away my pencils and paintbrushes; I very rarely draw and paint these days, and the thought of it makes me wary of following the same path with my writing. It’s about balance, but then sometimes you just have to give in to the critic that hounds you. It’s the only way to shut the damned thing up! I did, and my mood instantly improved.

Nothing much compares to the feeling of taking out my red biro and striking through the words that no longer fit my current manuscript! Editing the first chapter of my novel thrilled me more than I thought it would. I could see my old mistakes, and it was clear how much I have improved over the course of the year. The confidence boost was more than enough to get me working again. I even decided to submit my writing to a competition that caught my attention!

We’ll see how the competition goes (I’m pretty excited!), but for now, here are some of my tips to get back to work on your writing WIP:

• Find some new books to read! Try out something from an author you've never read before.
• Write a blog post.
• Try for at least 500 words a day. Failing that, 200 works in a pinch. Just get something on the page. It doesn't even need to be good.
• Find somebody to hold you accountable to your writing goals! Ask them to nag you every single day about your progress. 
• Try writing a poem or script instead. 
• If you are struggling to get back in touch with your characters, why not write diary entries from the character's perspective, detailing a week in their lives? Their week could be as hectic and stressful as possible - keep pushing them to their breaking point! Make them miserable! Perhaps you could write about an ordinary week in their lives? What kind of routine do they follow? How do they feel about their life? What is important enough to them to write down? Can your find their voice? 
• Edit what you have already written. 
• Why not enter a competition? 

Poem: Summer's End

Home Alone - Photo by Ellie Morris

♕

Golden hour bathes my home in silence,

Family portraits stroked by nicotine yellow fingers.

The lizard’s cage emptied overnight,

His pale hooked claw buried in sand and scales.

Sunflowers nod

̶ ̶  drooping, senile women awaiting a daughter’s visit.

Sordid green paste oozes from the pool encrusted with flies.

Even the shrivelled, blackened burger left on the BBQ is bereft.

Short Story: Ball-Joints

'Ball-Joints' is a short story I wrote for my Introduction to Fiction module at university. I enjoyed writing it and still rather like it now, so I thought I would share it here as a glimpse at what I've been doing this past year. 

Ambrotypes - Photo by Ellie Morris

♕

"The money’s in the teapot."

Of course it is. Only an idiot like Anne could think of such a thing. Girl said it like I was the fool. We could be twins, but that doesn’t mean I’m qualified in mindreading.

“Imbécile,” I told her. I was grinning, but she couldn’t hear the grind of my gritted, pearly teeth.

“Just grab it,” said Anne. “My hands are full.”

Her arms were piled with fabric. Jacquard skirts, lacy underpinnings. She really did look the part of the fool, swimming in a sea of silk, though I was the one dressed as a Pierrot, white face and a tear drop on my cheek. I pushed her through the window where she hissed at me, her skirts riding up as she scrabbled for balance. The sound of china scraping against brick was muffled only by the abundance of fabric pooled about her knees.

There was a swimming pool below, flooded with lights, and shadows like devils dancing on the tiles. A party, brooding and deadly. People swigging whiskey in the foyer  ̶  they had long given up their nonchalant taste for champagne. Watching, waiting. Looking for any signs of movement. Music played in another room, but it was distant, dreamy, like the sickly pale moon above. Somebody sobbed by the pool: “I haven’t slept in days!”

Anne swayed, murmuring her fears. We had to get out, even if she shattered into shards on the concrete. In any case, her frock would act as a parachute. So I pushed and pulled her, up against the ledge. Her legs ground in their joints.

“Get off me! Down, Adelbert!” She tried to keep quiet. Her foot swung at my chest.

I grabbed the teapot, stuffed notes into my pants. Taking the silver gilded thing along with us was something I debated, but most of the damage had already been done. Fripperies would only delay us.

“Hurry, get out!”

“I’m trying. I’m stuck.”

Anne climbed onto the sill and balanced on the outside ledge. Creeping on her knees, fabric tied like a baby’s nappy around her rump. She wavered. Her gloved hands shook, and on the slab of stone she froze. Gasped. Rattled.

“What are you waiting for?”

“Can’t. Go. Adelbert, it’s like sandpaper on here!”

“You can, you can. And you better.”

“At least you’re wearing pants,” she griped.

We were fashioned from the finest materials available in a village atelier by the Black Forest; but poor Anne, her legs were moulded two inches shorter than my own, and the meringue-like attire she was given only hindered her further. While our brothers and sisters were jesters and country maidens, held up with strings and wires, we were strung together with elastic and porcelain ball-joints.

The pair of us were gifted to some spoilt little Biarritz girl. She took us home, and what a gift we turned out to be! Suzette’s face, when auntie’s coral earrings were found buried in the bottom of her bonbon dish, could’ve been painted by a master. The girl’s ears were boxed, and Anne was confiscated as an exercise in discipline.

“See how you like it, when something precious is taken from you!” said Suzette’s mother.

Anne being moved to another room was no heartbreak for Suzette  ̶  the girl had plenty of toys. Rather, it was a punishment for me. I’d sooner fling myself from the shelf than spend another day without my sister. And how Anne wailed, rattled, and sobbed in the night! They soon saw enough sense to keep us together, and reunited, our games turned to malice.

Earrings, silver, banknotes, signet rings, lockets… Filching small trinkets in the night was a decent enough way to pass the time. Anne had a penchant for the love letters passed between house guests; a cheating wife soon found her billets-doux in the hands of her husband. A couple of nights later, the wedding ring disappeared from her finger, although Anne never told me where she managed to hide it.

I liked heirlooms with sentimental value, and sapphires the shade of my sister’s eyes. But mostly, I liked the uproar that came from our adventures, the threats and booming, bellowing voices that echoed through old walls. If only I could stay! To hear the furious cries of Suzette’s family, when they find themselves bereft of a small fortune, would almost be worth the risk of separation.

 “I can’t see anybody down there, Adelbert,” said Anne. She teetered over the edge, spurred on by my hand on her back. “They’ve gone.”

“Then now’s our chance. Go!”

Anne’s stumpy legs wrapped around the drainpipe.

“Quick, quick!” she cried.

I clung to her back and we slid down together. Banknotes flowed through the air like confetti from my waistband, settling like lotus flowers on the surface of the pool. Anne grabbed my hand. We looked to one another. We ran. Through the trellis, our freedom appeared in vague nocturnal brushstrokes.

Fashion and Fiction: Dressing Your Characters

Here's a confession: I sometimes go a bit overboard when writing about clothes/costumes in my books. Loving historical costume (or just dressing up in general, heh) is a passion that really puts its mark on my characters.
For example, Aika from When the Summer Ends is considered odd because she loves dressing in clothes from other eras, even just to potter around in her garden. She is a lonely, quite isolated character that doesn't fit in much anywhere, whether it is America or France, with her mother or father, or at school... I thought the fact that she wears unusual clothes in everyday life would be a way to illustrate how alienated from people and places she feels, as though she longs for the past, which she views through rose-tinted glasses, and nostalgic fantasy.
In my latest story, Maxime is an actor. He loves wearing costumes, as it is a perfect way for him to get into character; to be forced to move, sit, and have the posture of his protagonist, and to feel the fabrics and tactile sensations that the character he plays would have felt in the days before polyester and synthetic fabrics.

With the arrival of a new dress for my BJD version of Aika, how she relates to the clothes she wears must have been playing on my mind, so I turned some simple photos into a story of sorts, using original text from my novel, When the Summer Ends. I hope you enjoy reading as much as I enjoyed making them!

Aika's Wardrobe I - © Ellie Morris

Aika's Wardrobe II - © Ellie Morris

Aika's Wardrobe III - © Ellie Morris

Aika's Wardrobe IV - © Ellie Morris

Aika's Wardrobe V - © Ellie Morris

In my story, Aika wears historical-inspired fashions that she either commissions or makes; she has a strong love for 18th and 19th Century fashions! But she also has a wardrobe of stylish but modest late-1950's-early-1960's clothes, to befit her family and lifestyle. Some people say that she dresses very eccentrically.

On an unrelated note, I thought it was kind of funny how Aika and Maxime's stories are different, but still contain similar elements. Aika was born eight years before Max, but I wonder if they would like each other, should their paths cross. (It wouldn't happen, but it's interesting to think about).

♕

Clothing, although sometimes it can be very discrete, does have a way of expressing things about the wearer. I'm not exactly talking about how wearing ripped skinny jeans makes one a slob or a punk or whatever, but that it can show things that words and actions may not.
Whether it is intentionally or not, the way a character dresses can express any of the following:

Personality

If a character is confident, they may wear somewhat more revealing, or even wacky clothing -- especially if that confidence is also based around their appearance.
An example that springs to mind is Vince Noir, from the TV series "The Mighty Boosh", since I watched it recently. Part of his personality is focused around his almost constant sunny disposition and laid-back attitude. But he is also very intent on following and being ahead of the current trends, jumping from one sub-culture to the next, whether it be mod, goth, punk, or something else. Therefore, he isn't afraid to express himself through clothing that is outlandish and unusual - and also very form-fitting on occasion - due to his relaxed and confident personality.
On the other hand, a more shy character may wear something subdued and modest in order to not draw attention to themselves; but alternately, they could also wear something more alternative and fitting to their aesthetics to give themselves a boost of confidence! It's all up to your character and circumstance.

Moods

When you are feeling unhappy, do you decide to wear dark colours when you get dressed that day? Sometimes I do, as sporting an obnoxious shade of pink when I'm feeling down can irritate me; I don't feel pretty on the inside, so why should I bother on the outside? I've also heard some people say that intentionally putting on colourful clothes when in a dark mood is a way of trying to boost their spirits.

Wearing black when in a dark mood, or when you want to be invisible, can also be accidental. If your character is going through some hard times, maybe the first thing they throw on is a black T-shirt, or a change of pyjamas, without even thinking of the reasons why. 

Maybe they don't even want to change their clothes, if they are deeply depressed. An example of that which I will always remember is in Stephen King's "Misery", where his character Annie Wilkes suffered from painful mood swings; in her happier moods she would wear pretty but still practical clothes with light colours, but when she became severely depressed and angry, Paul Sheldon noticed that she rarely changed her attire, and that her dressing gown was covered with food stains. 

Interests

Is your character a part of any particular scene? Do they express themselves through pins, badges and patches on their clothing, or carry a bag with the logo of their favourite bands/ musicians/football teams? Are they a part of an important cause? - such as human or animal rights, global warming, or a particular charity - which could be a reason to wear T-shirts with slogans relating to those passions.
Very often, I see people that wear merchandise of their hobbies, fandoms, and celebrity crushes. It can frequently be the first thing people notice about them, and a way to strike up conversation with like-minded people. In high school, the girls in my form often knew who was 'Team Edward' and who was 'Team Jacob' just through giving a quick glance to their backpacks, coats, jumpers or stationary (for the record, I was neither, and would always answer "Team Voldemort" as a joke when asked who I supported!).
Interests can also be shown through makeup, accessories, body modifications, and certain haircuts. Somebody may wear earrings of their favourite animal, or shave certain designs into their hair, if their hair is short.

Situations

There is a time and a place for everything, and sometimes dress codes are important. If clothing for a formal occasion is warranted, a character may have to dress themselves accordingly, whether it is for a wedding, funeral, a Sunday service in church, or a particularly grueling meeting with a loathsome individual like a strict relative, an ex that they are wanting to outdo, or an enemy that needs taking down a peg or two. 
Would your character worry endlessly over what to wear to an impromptu date or night out? Perhaps the situation has taken them by surprise, and they have no idea what would be suitable to wear. Or maybe they are a rebel and just don't care about convention! 

Beliefs

Religious beliefs can often be expressed through attire such as jewellery or ceremonial clothes and headwear. Sometimes you can even spot or guess which organisation a person belongs to through the type of pendant they wear, or which saint or idol they look up to.
Another idea I thought of was inspired by some people I used to know at college and online, who wore eco-friendly clothing made of hemp or recycled fabrics, or wore vintage to avoid fast-fashion and preserve heritage. These clothes are also influenced by beliefs about society, the environment, and how things are produced in the modern age.

Era

I can easily tell when a film, novel, or photograph was set or produced, simply based on the clothing that characters wear. Fashion is very transitional, and varies wildly, even just in the past fifteen years. The 20th Century is a very good example, as so much changed in those 100 years!
Hemlines rose and fell dramatically (think of how showing legs was considered scandalous in the years before the 1920's, and how women of the 20's embraced shorter dresses that enabled new dances and trends; the Mini skirt of the 1960's, and then the outrage in the 1970's when the Maxi skirt came into fashion).
Casual wear such as jeans, and trousers for women became gradually more acceptable in those decades. Fabrics also went through big transformations in 20th Century, with synthetics and rationing contributing to different trends over the years. The colours and patterns of clothing is also a good way to show what era something is set in (and ditto for home interiors, too).

Country

If your character lives in a really hot country, it is likely that they will dress in a way that enables them to stay cool - and vice versa. Does their location have a specialty for a certain type of fabric, such as tartan wool, silk, or cotton, which is easier to wear since it is local (I think this applies more to historical novels than ones set in the modern day)? Do they have events where they wear national costume? Do they take pride in their country by wearing patriotic gear? Do they own a T-shirt from a country that they visited?

All of these can show a reader things about a character, without having to tell them directly.

♕

It will be interesting to hear what readers think, so please leave a comment on what you or your characters like to wear, and if you have a reason for it!
And why not give some short (or long) descriptions of your character's sense of style a try, if you haven't written about that kind of thing before? It could possibly add a subtle hint of symbolism to your story!

ℰllie

Maxime: So What's It all About?

For 'Nocturne des Anges' being the blog of an author, I don't seem to write much about what I'm actually writing book-wise, on here. I might have made some vague statements here and there since October last year, about who Maxime is and what his story is about, but I haven't exactly expanded on anything publicly. Heck, on my blog and social media I simply end up blabbing about how much I adore him as my latest writing companion, and that he's very lovable to me, and is my current ticket to running around 1960's Paris and the darker parts of my mind...

It seems a bit silly to be so quiet on a subject that I'm passionate about, and that, in my opinion, should be expressed as a means of gaining interest.

A point that I saw on a blog post for maximising creativity offered an interesting idea: write a pitch or artist statement explaining why your project is so important. The idea was to read it through every day and remind yourself why you're passionate about it, and want to meet the goal - more of a personal motivator than something professional to hand in to an editor or publisher, I expect. I already know that the story is important to me, and that I'm going to see it through to the end, but I thought writing an informal statement and posting it here would be a good way of expressing the story and message to others, too. 

Medal from Rock n Rose, I'm planning some Maxime-related photography soon...

“Maxime” is set in 1960’s France, and is a mixture of historical, romantic, drama, and LGBT fictional genres. 

Synopsis: 

Maxime de Faye is a child-star, trapped in an adult’s world. Twelve and naive, he falls into a nest of vipers when his beauty, vivacity, and natural talent captures the interest of a director, giving him the opportunity to begin his dream cinema career in Paris. First came the excitement of his impending fame and fortune, but he is soon knocked flat on his back, to the mercy of the city and all those that would surround and tower over him, when he realises that his role brings about more than just the ordinary admiration and applause that he craved in the beginning… 

Despite being disgusted by and afraid of the older men that would not hesitate to prey on him in his new and unusual environment, Maxime finds himself very attracted to and curious about his co-star, Leopold Ronis, an older boy of eighteen years. In turn, his puppy love is requited by Ronis, who despite keeping the boy out of harm’s way and ensuring that the relationship between them on set is chaste, secretly lusts after him just as much as the other men in their circle. 

Maxime’s films and performance may be otherworldly, but reality can be jarring in the head space of young teenage boy who is overworked, bombarded with the responsibility of an adult three times his age, and forced to smile despite feeling lonely in a world filled with countless names and faces. 

Only the support and love of his younger sister, Leone, and boyfriend, Leopold, manages to drag him from deep despair and broken confidence, and Maxime realises that dreams and ambitions can be outgrown.

♕

If my character Aika was a reflection of the emotions I felt at the age of fourteen, and Carrie/Cherry (both from the "When the Summer Ends"/"Mansions of Glass" duology) was built upon the type of person I wanted to meet and become friends with, Maxime feels more like a son to me; we are not very like each other - as the Myer-Briggs test clearly illustrated, in a previous post -  yet I feel very protective of him.

He starts off as around the same age as my previous protagonists, but this type of bold and passionate  (yet tortured) character is different to what I've written before, and is what makes me excited to continue with his story. 

Max almost writes himself in a way, as he runs from scene to scene (both literally and figuratively, as he is an actor), yelling "come on, come on!" despite his initial trepidation, and it's hard to keep up with him. As a result, I'm up at all hours scribbling down ideas, and flinging plot points at him, and in turn, he flings ideas back at me, saying "I'd like this to happen, I have to have some good times, too," or "what about this? It's very likely". As I said, he tends to write himself, and is very eager to do so.

Medal from Rock n Rose, I'm planning some Maxime-related photography soon...

 

Due to just wanting to write, write, write in order to keep up, rather than blog, and constantly thinking of what will happen next in his adventures in minute detail, I had been rather worried about writing a pitch, or summary of sorts, just in case some things should change. See, Maxime is an impulsive kind of beast, and as I'm learning new things about him and his life story every day, when I thought I knew it all, I wanted to see how it goes before committing to certain things... As I get new ideas every day, it seems like a very big project, and is almost overwhelming at times. 

I also kept things pretty secret because of shyness, too; I always worry that people will laugh at my ideas, or think that I'm too dark and sinister or controversial in my content. 

Talking to my close friend, who is also a writer, really helped to solidify things that I was worried about, however, and now that things are very clear about the story, I'm trying to get over the nerves of gathering everything together and putting my ideas out there to other people.

Along with how much I enjoy creating the world of my new protagonists, this story gives me a lot of enthusiasm and the characters are quite divergent to what I've written before, so I have a lot of high hopes for it. Sometimes that can be quite intimidating, but I'm using what I learned through re-reading When the Summer Ends and advice from my friends, family and beta readers, to better myself and hopefully achieve something really meaningful. 

I hope that my story will be as interesting for people to read as it is for me to write! 

ℰllie

Changing Plans - NaNoWriMo Plotting with "Ready, Set, Novel!"

Well, plans change. I typically can't stand changing things, especially after saying that I'm going to do one thing and then do another, but since it's nearly November and I was given a wonderful workbook on writing for my recent birthday... I think it's time to fight my ardent dislike of the unexpected, and give myself a kick in the pants, as "Ready, Set, Novel!" has inspired myself to do. Literally. There is a page entirely dedicated to getting a hefty boot in the butt, and one for a high five, too.

The land of "Roses For Margaret" is a bit of a barren wasteland right now in my addled head, and I just can't think of the direction I want to marshal Margaret and co. in. Left or right? Happy or sad? Up or down? Alive, or... dead? Just kidding, nobody will die in that novel, but even so, the idea is rather tempting sometimes (just think of Paul Sheldon in Stephen King's "Misery", who grows to dislike his main heroine after spending so much time chronicling her life).
I don't quite dislike her that much, but her fuzzy lack of direction and the amount of staring contests that I've had with my Scrivener document for the novel, has given me too much irritation to be entirely pleased with the young miss. (Yes, that's right - I'm blaming my character Margaret, and not myself. Charming, aren't I?) I suppose some novels just give the author a lot of grief and prove to be more challenging than the others; I didn't have a very linear frame for RFM, and I dipped in and out of it very infrequently over the course of three/four years, so I think it truly would be worth it to move on to other stories, and come back afresh another time, with a better battle plan.
Or bin it. Binning it sounds good right now... But as my Writer's Workbook by the NaNoWriMo authors says, sometimes you will be in love with your novel, and sometimes you'll just want to rip it to shreds - but some time you will fall back in love with it. I'm hoping that will be the case in a year or so.

But a new idea has come to me, and I think it may be a good one, as I'm already besotted with the main characters and have a good timeline planned out. I just love them so much! I had that kind of love for Aika Rowland and Carrie Knox when I started "When the Summer Ends", so it's exhilarating to get that love for my characters and thrill for writing back!
As I go through the "Ready, Set, Novel!" workbook, I get more and more excited about it each time and so many ideas come flooding in. I stayed up until half two in the morning scribbling away in the book - starting at around seven pm - and was shocked to see how late it was, as I was really engaged! As you can probably tell, writer or not, this kind of excitement for a new story is much more constructive to writing than trying to slug your way through a book you started at fifteen years old, and never quite managed to pin down the characters and plot and whip them into shape.

I can now tell my uptight self that change isn't so bad after all. Maybe, whether you are a fellow Aspie or not, you have had the same problem? It's very easy to get an idea and stick to it no matter how challenging and demotivating the plan is, as I saw with my idea last year to "get Roses For Margaret done, seeing as it's already got about 50,000 words". I didn't want to change or latch onto a new idea, as the thought of it made me very nervous and irritated with myself - but if you're in the same situation, I'd say go for it and try something new! That's how I got my passion for writing and plotting stories back! And it's a wonderful feeling that I very nearly forgot.

As for the new plot itself, I have a lot of it penned down, but I don't think I should reveal too much just yet, as things may be slightly different in a month or so, whether it is a change of name or a new viewpoint. But it's set in 1960's France, predominantly in Paris - so despite going there often, I have a fair bit to research! The basic premise is about a teenage boy wanting freedom, despite having a life that other people would dream of.

I know it's early to start NaNoWriMo now, but I was too excited to wait for planning a week at a time, that I just had to get it all out. The workbook by Chris Baty, Lindsay Grant, and Tavia Stewart-Streit is truly wonderful, I would really recommend it to anyone that wants to write a book, whether it be the first one, or the thirtieth. Not only is the content great, amusing, and thought-provoking, the layout and style is simple but effective and elegant - just perfect!
November will be a month of being chained to my laptop and writing like a slave (I say hopefully). Wish me luck!

ℰllie